Having reread my "Let's see where this goes..." post i've realized that i most likely left many, if not all of who read it probably as lost as i am. And i apologize for beating around the bush and not expressing myself the way i should. Leaving you wondering what in the hell that girl is talking about. Being extraordinarily new to this Blogging thing has me wondering if this is something i'm really going to be able to do, being the introvert that i am. But i've not given up yet. It's a new year and i'm really going to try because The Michael said it would be good "therapy" for me, smiles and i can use all the help i can get. Also, i realize more and more every day from reading others blogs/writings that i'm not the only one whos shall i say "lost and confused". As well, i'm also quite an open-minded person and enjoy trying new things on occasion so please bear with me while i continue to get the hang of this "expressing myself thru blogging thing".
Okay, well...i've been married over 18 years and have two children, two boys. One almost 9, and the other is 11. I so don't want them to grow up. Life for the most part is good. With the kids, never a dull moment in their waking hours. As for the marriage, well it's definitely had its ups and downs. But i guess thats to be expected since we got married in Vegas at Circus, Circus. It's been a circus ever since. Our marriage is pretty much "Vanilla". D's is a Lifestyle that i don't live, but would love to. i'm mostly submissive, but have been known to sWiTcH on occasion. Guess thats the bi side of me.... i enjoy exploring both sides of the fence, smiles. my husband knows of the D's lifestyle desires that i have, but he doesn't understand them. He only thinks its weird. Which can only make me say, "his loss" but also mine too. i discovered this part of me about 6 years ago online when i wondered upon a D's chatroom. After weeks of just sitting back quietly.... listening, watching and trying to understand others, i one day said to myself, "this is me they are talking about".
i realized the strong desire that i had for firm guidance and control in everyday life both in and out of the bedroom. i have both a mental and physical need to serve and please. But i also need structure and direction in my life. i realized that i have limits and that i need to have those limits explored and pushed. i was so intrigued by and still am by the Respect within a D's relationship. i would love to have the communication and respect in my marriage as well as someone to make decisions and choices for me. For i stumble upon making them for myself so often. i've found that i desire structure to feel comfort and without that i feel unhappy and often times find it difficult to function or focus. i just feel out of "balance". So there you have it, basically.... at least the sad subbie dreamer in me.
My husband and i explored D's a bit a few years ago when we also tried swinging....unfortunately it just wasn't his cup of tea per se. We all know how difficult it is to change ourselves, much less other people. So i've come to realize it's just something i have to live with. But having had a taste of the lifestyle.... almost like a kid in a candy store for the first time. Having had my kinky desires unleashed for that short time. Feeling the rush from the sting left behind from the spankings, the feel of the restraints binding me, that firm grasp of my hair and whisper in my ear that sent cold chills down my spine. It's so hard to forget the energy i felt from the responsibility i had of yielding to a Dominants will. And the loss felt when i realized it was just a game more or less that has ended and left me feeling like the loser, sighs.
I try my best to forget, but i can't. Probably because i don't want to. Being a stay-at-home mom i don't have alot of friends besides those i've made here online. The chatrooms that i once enjoyed became so dramatic. i've enough drama in my own life that i don't need that online either so i don't frequent them much anymore. i volunteer my time at the kids school helping out in the media center and doing the home room mom thing. I'm thankful that i can be involved in that part of my boys lives. i found a creative/artistic side of myself a few years ago when i discovered PSP. Thats a program called Paint Shop Pro for anyone who doesn't know. Much like Photoshop. I probably spend more time than i should messing around with that, but it's something that i enjoy. i'm a Manager of an MSN PSP online forum group and that takes quite a bit of my time as well. You'll see some of the tags i've made here in my posts as well as some that have been made for me by other PSP addicts. i always respect Artists copyrights and obey permissions set forth by Artists when using their work in my tags. It's the only respectful way to be and has been abused by so many for some time now which is a sad thing. And now, thanks to The Michael (my dear Friend) turning me on to the world of bloggers i've found something else that keeps my mind at bay and allows me to experience a life that i now only dream of thru others.
So thank you all for sharing your lives with me here. Such talented writers here that i've come across. I'm really so very impressed and look forward to the coming year getting to know all of you better. Thanks for taking the time to stop by and see a little of what goes on in my boring life. Until next time....
Be well, stay safe and Happy 2006!
