Continuing on, the sub in me...

Having reread my "Let's see where this goes..." post i've realized that i most likely left many, if not all of who read it probably as lost as i am. And i apologize for beating around the bush and not expressing myself the way i should. Leaving you wondering what in the hell that girl is talking about. Being extraordinarily new to this Blogging thing has me wondering if this is something i'm really going to be able to do, being the introvert that i am. But i've not given up yet. It's a new year and i'm really going to try because The Michael said it would be good "therapy" for me, smiles and i can use all the help i can get. Also, i realize more and more every day from reading others blogs/writings that i'm not the only one whos shall i say "lost and confused". As well, i'm also quite an open-minded person and enjoy trying new things on occasion so please bear with me while i continue to get the hang of this "expressing myself thru blogging thing".

Okay, well...i've been married over 18 years and have two children, two boys. One almost 9, and the other is 11. I so don't want them to grow up. Life for the most part is good. With the kids, never a dull moment in their waking hours. As for the marriage, well it's definitely had its ups and downs. But i guess thats to be expected since we got married in Vegas at Circus, Circus. It's been a circus ever since. Our marriage is pretty much "Vanilla". D's is a Lifestyle that i don't live, but would love to. i'm mostly submissive, but have been known to sWiTcH on occasion. Guess thats the bi side of me.... i enjoy exploring both sides of the fence, smiles. my husband knows of the D's lifestyle desires that i have, but he doesn't understand them. He only thinks its weird. Which can only make me say, "his loss" but also mine too. i discovered this part of me about 6 years ago online when i wondered upon a D's chatroom. After weeks of just sitting back quietly.... listening, watching and trying to understand others, i one day said to myself, "this is me they are talking about".

i realized the strong desire that i had for firm guidance and control in everyday life both in and out of the bedroom. i have both a mental and physical need to serve and please. But i also need structure and direction in my life. i realized that i have limits and that i need to have those limits explored and pushed. i was so intrigued by and still am by the Respect within a D's relationship. i would love to have the communication and respect in my marriage as well as someone to make decisions and choices for me. For i stumble upon making them for myself so often. i've found that i desire structure to feel comfort and without that i feel unhappy and often times find it difficult to function or focus. i just feel out of "balance". So there you have it, basically.... at least the sad subbie dreamer in me.

My husband and i explored D's a bit a few years ago when we also tried swinging....unfortunately it just wasn't his cup of tea per se. We all know how difficult it is to change ourselves, much less other people. So i've come to realize it's just something i have to live with. But having had a taste of the lifestyle.... almost like a kid in a candy store for the first time. Having had my kinky desires unleashed for that short time. Feeling the rush from the sting left behind from the spankings, the feel of the restraints binding me, that firm grasp of my hair and whisper in my ear that sent cold chills down my spine. It's so hard to forget the energy i felt from the responsibility i had of yielding to a Dominants will. And the loss felt when i realized it was just a game more or less that has ended and left me feeling like the loser, sighs.

I try my best to forget, but i can't. Probably because i don't want to. Being a stay-at-home mom i don't have alot of friends besides those i've made here online. The chatrooms that i once enjoyed became so dramatic. i've enough drama in my own life that i don't need that online either so i don't frequent them much anymore. i volunteer my time at the kids school helping out in the media center and doing the home room mom thing. I'm thankful that i can be involved in that part of my boys lives. i found a creative/artistic side of myself a few years ago when i discovered PSP. Thats a program called Paint Shop Pro for anyone who doesn't know. Much like Photoshop. I probably spend more time than i should messing around with that, but it's something that i enjoy. i'm a Manager of an MSN PSP online forum group and that takes quite a bit of my time as well. You'll see some of the tags i've made here in my posts as well as some that have been made for me by other PSP addicts. i always respect Artists copyrights and obey permissions set forth by Artists when using their work in my tags. It's the only respectful way to be and has been abused by so many for some time now which is a sad thing. And now, thanks to The Michael (my dear Friend) turning me on to the world of bloggers i've found something else that keeps my mind at bay and allows me to experience a life that i now only dream of thru others.

So thank you all for sharing your lives with me here. Such talented writers here that i've come across. I'm really so very impressed and look forward to the coming year getting to know all of you better. Thanks for taking the time to stop by and see a little of what goes on in my boring life. Until next time....
Be well, stay safe and Happy 2006!

Let's see where this goes...

smiles a shy hello thanking all who take the time out to stop by here to see what if anything is going on in gina's life. Not knowing what to say or what to tell you about myself. i really dislike talking about myself. It all seems to useless. i lead such a boring life and it only depresses me (even more) when i begin discussing it. i would much rather spend my time reading others peoples Blogs than typing here on my own.

Yet i've so many thoughts, dreams, wants, needs, fantasies and desires. i believe that i think too much at times. It's so much easier for me to keep these things locked away, inside of me, inside of a deep, dark place where i know they'll be safe. Where i know i'll be safe. Yet....only to have them creep out of the darkness into my mind trying to rekindle the flame that burns weaker. So i reach out and take hold of those thoughts and feelings needing to feel them just one more time, because they're burned into my soul. i want to forget, i want to let go but at the same time i'm consumed by them. Unable to forget the way they've made me feel. The good, the bad, the heartache, pain, disappointment, guilt, fear, excitement, wanting.... so afraid to express what is in my heart and soul. Who i really am. Feeling like a little girl, naughty...afraid of what others might think of me, how i may be judged for my thoughts, feelings or actions. So many mixed emotions. Wanting to just cry, yet unable to. Then feeling like i'm drowning in a river of tears that have not yet been wept. i keep telling myself... day at a time, baby steps. Life goes on.
Love & Peace to all,

Remembering the Holidays

I was raised in a traditional home by both of my parents who are still married almost 50 years. My older sister and I never really had to want for much growing up. Both of my parents always worked hard and did the best they could to make life good.

Most of the memories I have from my childhood are good ones. Except for those I had around the time when I was about 5 years old. I was such a worrier and diagnosed with stomach ulcers. Yep, worried about everything. I do remember at Christmas time for many years worrying whether or not Santa would come to visit us. Especially the first year Dad didn't put Christmas lights up on our house. I just knew Santa wouldn't find it. I spent the entire night throwing up, worried and crying. Looking back, I still don't know how Santa was able to leave our presents under the tree those long Christmas Eve's. But Mr. and Mrs. Clause always seemed to come through with flying colors and make Christmas morning magical for my sister and I.

Family always played a big part of our Holidays,,,, spent with Grandparents and cousins on both sides of the family. There was always lots of love, laughter, good food and great conversation to go around.

I'm thankful for the wonderful memories all the Holidays spent with family left me with. Unfortunately Holidays change, families and traditions change as the years pass. Daily lives keep us busy and miles separate us from our families.

Now that I'm married (going on 19 years), and have two children of my own, I marvel at their excitment. I'm grateful for each and every day spent with my family and hope my my children will one day look back on the Holidays and be left with lots of happy and heartfelt memories too.

I'm not a religious person, but consider myself a spiritual one. We don't go to church and only did occasionally when I was growing up. But I do believe in God and prayer and hope that he will Bless all of my family and friends. As well as those who've not been fortunate enough in their lives to know what a Happy Holiday and Merry Christmas are. Love & Peace to all. :o)

A different kind of Christmas poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,

I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.

My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,

My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.

Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,

Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,

Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.

My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,

Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.

In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,

So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,

But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.

Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,

Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.

My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,

And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,

A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,

Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.

Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,

Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,

"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!

Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,

You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,

Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light

Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,

I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,

That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,

I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.

My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"

Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.

My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',

And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,

But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile."

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,

The red, white, and blue... an American flag.

"I can live through the cold and the being alone,

Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,

I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.

I can carry the weight of killing another,

Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..

Who stand at the front against any and all,

To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,

Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."

"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,

"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?

It seems all too little for all that you've done, For

being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,

"Just tell us you love us, and never forget

To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,

To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,

To know you remember we fought and we bled,

Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,

That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Author~Unknown~

a big thanks to cherish....

.... (and Sir Undr) for making this my second blog post much easier. i'm so glad that i took a look at your Blog. Allright, this may help you all know me a bit better:
2 names you go by
1. darlingina
2. Mom :o)

2 parts of your heritage
1. 5o% Italian
2. 50% German

2 things that scare you
1. talking about my true feelings
2. what the future holds for my children

2 of your everyday essentials
1. PSP
2. daydreaming

2 things you are wearing right now
1. robe
2. umm, that about does it

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
1. Nickleback
2. Keith Urban

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment)
1. Figured You Out
2. Wander This World

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
1. understanding
2. attention

2 truths
1. i have many wants
2. i have many needs

2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex)
1. Eyes
2. Hands

2 of your favorite hobbies
1. PSP
2. laughing with my children

2 things you want really badly
1. Hugs
2. Kisses

2 places you want to go on vacation
1. Ireland
2. a quiet place in the mountains

2 things you want to do before you die
1. skydive
2. travel to Ireland

2 ways that you are stereotypically a dude
1. living day in and day out with three males
2. admits that i love Nascar too, smile

2 things you are thinking about now
1. All the Christmas shopping i have to do
2. a long, deep passionate kiss

2 stores you shop at
1. Walmart
2. Kohls

2 people I would like to see take this quiz
1. the Michael
2. morningstar

Thanks for stopping by my lil spot here on the web. Peace, be well and enjoy your day.... wherever you may be. Sits back and waits for all th cyber (((hugs))) and :::::smooches::::: that i'm needing. ;o)

Well... hhmmmmm

This is my first post here. i'm new to this whole Blogger thing. But was encouraged by a friend (who's an AWESOME Blogger too btw) to check it out and think about giving it a try myself. Using it as a place where i can express my thoughts and feelings regarding anything. But especially those that i tend to keep hidden away. And.... sooo, here i am. This may take me some time to get accustomed to. Since i'm not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings as it is. i really don't even know where to start . Let me think on this and i promise to be back to share more of me.
Love & Peace :o)